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The Colonel writes...
Pembrey 25th/26th June
Don't
know about cutting and
pasting..and all the other obscenties of ether kompooting
life...so,thought I'd put me racing ramble here!...shooting from the
hip,like....even tho it might me of a plastic sort!
When you get to my age....etcetra etcetra...
The
following drivel...will be my ramblings and observations of the
Welsh,isn't it?...Pembrey round of the YPM...(Yes
please,Mister!)...hero racer type peeps....from the point of view
of,yours truly, The Colonic Kid Colonel!
Are you sitting comfortably,dear reader?
Then...I'll begin!
Make sure you have a good supply of beer/coffee/fags/smelling
salts/nurses...to hand,mind!
Could be a long haul!!
A race weekend ALWAYS has to have it's preparation,doesn't it?
The massif Yamanana Racing concern ...is an exception to this rule!
EVERYTHING had been gone over with a fine tooth comb...by the Yamamana
employees...Little Liver Lin....and Small Git Scannell...
Food
and ale had been purchased....route maps studied for the arduous
journey...Sat Nav was consulted...even the bike had been fettled...and
the leathers were on board...(just a wee note for a Fish person)!!!....
SO!....all that was needed....was to get there!
First...I had to get the trailer out of the driveway,Friday morn....
I
park my trailer up to me garage gates...with Sylvia...me old,rusting
and ageing ex-Massif camper vehicle....6 litres of throbbing V8
Volkswagen gristle...(no tax,no MOT)....attached to it...to prevent
thieving gits a look into the trailer delights.
However...to get
me bike and tools into the trailer...I have to start Sylvia up....drive
her a few feet forward.....get the bike and shite on board...then drive
out into the road....where I detach Sylvia....and attach Patsy...(Lin's
camper van...on loan to me...!).....THEN...put Sylvia BACK in the
driveway....to be pressed up against the garrige!!
We then drive happily to race meets with Patsy towing the tralier and
shite!
Gottit?
The
plan was to get going around 9.30-10 o'clock Friday morn...for a gentle
drive down to yer Sarf Wales,isn't it?....and set up the Massif in the
arvo...ready for yer Pembers racing weekend buffoonery..on the Sat and
Sun.
Around about 11 o'clock....I'm still trying to start the cow Sylvia!
I'm of a definite mind...that mechanical devices have personalities!
The
bitch has got it under her skin...that I prefer the croaking diesel
tones of Patsy now... to drag me stuff to race meets!....and,the cow
just REFUSED to start!
It took the combined brains of
myself,Lin..and the technical guru Small Paul...to jump start the dead
VeeDub....and we finally mamaged to load the trailer up.
Small Git's only job....was to keep Sylvia running...while I loaded up
the trailer.
He managed this for a full 15 minutes.....until I asked him to reverse
her a few feet.
He promptly stalled her!
Would she start again!??
By this time....I was sweating more than a fat chap at a Disco doing a
John Travolta.
Over 150 years of human existance...finally managed to sort the debacle
out....and we were heading for Welshland!!!!
I
won't bore you with the number of brain cells that were lost on the
journey.....just to say that....over 7 and a half hours .....you lose a
lot!
Traffic jams...road works....service station stops...and
the Welsh lads driving habits...(worse when they're driving
BMW's!)....accounted for a lifetimes experience of numb nutlature!
On arrival...FINALLY..at yer circuit Pembrey....we managed to go to the
airport instead!
The chap on the gate at the circuit had seen us going to the airport.
When
we found him...he said..."Y'know...I thought to myself...I bet they've
gone the wrong way...when I saw you going to the airport!"
Do y'know?
He was right!
It
was now about 7 o clock in the evening....and...even if I'd been a
violent sort of person....I wouldn't have had the energy to biff him
one!
Keith...or is it Kieth?.... Rossiter...or is it
Rossitter....or Rotiserier?...or.....?....FATRANGI!!!...had earlier
texted and voicethinged me....to say that he had roped off a VAST YPM
ghetto area...and we found the said plot!!!!
YEEHAAA!
We was located!
A
number of YPM suspects were already dug in,apart from the said
Fatrangi...Ron C, PC Griggs,Nick the Longer and Shorterhouse...(Hey!?
What's the word on the blurred street?),the Streaky Bacon Church,some
blokes who turned out to be the Bond Bros!...the Tricky Rikky Ballerina
Bloke...Doug HOWWLLLLLLL and Mr.Pasty...and later...Steve Hoel..the
Fishy Fella and the Dazzlin Bloke....and other mad folk...turned the
green fields of Wales ....into a seething mass of two smoke malarkey!
Bikes
were already being pulled apart!....and bodily parts being exchanged
for all kinds of favours!....but..we just kept our heads down and set
up the Yamanaanah massif!
Pumping up me Banana became maximum priority!
It
was too late to get the bike scrooted...so...I whipped the Small Git
into action...and we got new rubber put onto the wheels of the yella
sickle careof the splendid Alan Russell....and contemplated the
following days events with an in depth and brain crunching team
meeting.....over a can of Fosters or three....
Right!
I'm knackered again now!....just thinking about it all again!!
I'm going to bed!
I'll continue this....after I've sought advice from me counsellor!
Stay tooned!
This is Colonel Sanders...signing orf.
As you were!
Over and out.
Ahh!..Elaine!!
A womans touch!
Yes!...you're right!
Sylvia needs a lot of TLC!.....and new pistons...new
exhausts...gearbox....err..ermm...
The
Banana did actually deflate over the weekend....but....a bit of gaffa
tape and some more string....a bit of a blow job....via me
compressor....soon had it erect again! 
Anyway!
One of the major problems of racing...is...you have to know where
you're going!
It's
all very well having a sooper dooper prepped bike....but,if you can't
remember where the circuit goes....it doesn't matter if you're riding
Rossi's mega bolide!
Track knowledge accounts for a lot!
It's
not just knowing where the corners go....it's about camber
changes...surface changes...turning in points...little details that you
accumalate into your head...that makes it all the more comfortable to
hurl yerself around on a sickle!
Having missed the cut for a
place on the test day....my sole recourse to...err...learn the course
again...was a wee stroll with me Little Lin on the Friday evening.
I
was proudly telling her of my exploits there last year...was saying
about the next left hander we were walking up to.....and it turned out
to be a right hander! 
It kinda threw me!!
Don't
know whether it was because this Pembers meeting was the third long
haul race weekend we had done in a row this month....or,whether it was
an age thing....but,I felt suddenly VERY tired!
It's the same
for all of us....having to juggle jobs,home life and money..to indulge
ourselves in the racing malarkey....and,I had one of those..."Why the
frigging 'ell am I doing this!?" moments!
I was actually glad,at
the time,that I'd missed getting on the test day...'cos it meant I'd
saved a few spons....we hadn't needed to bust a gut getting home from
work Thursday and immediately setting off for the trip to Wales....and
had been able to take our time getting there Friday!
Walking this strange track at dusk....I was beginning to regret my
desicion!
"What's it all about?"....that FAMOUS slogan...came filtering into me
brain!
Lin looked at me.... gave me a squeeze and a hug and a sweet
smile...and I remembered!
"It's FUN!...innit?"
Anyway....as
far as I could tell..not many YPM chaps had done the test day....Rik
Ballerina and Streaky Bacon being two of the exceptions....(but they
really NEED it,don't they!!?? 
).....so, most of
us were gonna be in the same boat....
Minkey
Lad and Dan Wright not Wrong had NEVER been to Pembers before!.....so I
held that thought in me head...as Lin and I wandered back to Patsy for
a good nights kip!
I nodded off to sleep...with the thought of just using the practice in
the morn....and...the first race as a test day!
A brief description here...as to the circuit de la Pembrey...as far as
I know it now!
The
start finish straight is quite a number...being slightly
downhill....with a little kink to the right....before getting majorley
on the anchors...for a tight right corner that is about three quarters
more than a 90 degreer!
A short squirt of about 30 yards...and
you're into another righthander that looks slowish..but,that you need
to keep quite tidy and get a lot of acceleration thru and not go tooo
far to the left ....'cos you've got the looooong left hander
approaching rapidly...that actually needs to be taken in one long
sweep...clipping the first apex quite tight....letting the bike drift
out to the right of the track...then bringing the whole plot back into
the left again...to apex as tight as you can on the last element of
it.....a corner that ended up giving me the most problems over the
weekend!....more of that later!!
The camber of this left hander seems to drop away from you...and is a
real juggling act of how much gas you can give it...
The
exit of this corner leads you onto another brief straightish bit before
whacking the bike over on it's side for a right hander that is faster
than it looks!...another short staight...before a nadgery right turn
(Old Hairpin?) that has a very late apex to it!
This corner is key to getting a good momentum for THE seriously fast
bits of Pembrey!
If you go into it too early...you have to wait to get on the
throttle..and you compromise your speed onto the staight.
This straight is punctuated by a flat out right kink...that is a heart
in the mouth jobbie!
Bit
like threading a needle!....you're banging up thru the gearbox...and
just get into top...straining where to see to flip the bike on it's
side...keeping the throttle nailed....and clipping the right hand curb
and trying to keep the thing off the grass on the left after you've
plunged thru it!
There seemed to be a bit of a bump as
well...somewhere in the kink!...that made the front end go a bit
squirrely a couple of times!
Ater this...you continue with the
throttle to the stop for another 100yards or so...then,with a little
brake and a down change...it's into the last corner....another one that
can be taken faster than it seems at the time!!...that opens out onto
the start/finish straight again...for the rapid plunge down to the
sharp right again!
It's actually a splendid little track...and
you can get up a good head of steam in the last sections of
it...but,like I was saying earlier....because it has some quite tricky
corners on it...knowledge is everything!
I don't think I got one
corner totally right..all weekend!...and was repeatedly cursing
myself...for not remembering the mistake I'd made on the previous
lap....EVERYWHERE!
Practice was undertaken...and,far from
reminding me where the track went...it mainly confirmed to me how much
I didn't know about it!
When you have confidence in your
ability...you can sling the bike into a corner...let it drift out to
the white line...and bring it back for the next!
I know I'm a
slow learner of circuits...which is why I pledged to meself to do every
test day I could this year!....even on tracks I know quite well....'cos
you never stop learning!
Only ever having been to Pembrey once before,with the YPM's last
year...this circuit had my least knowledge!
I seem to be setting up the tone to explain some crap results here!!
Actually....even tho I say myself!.....I didn't do SO bad!!!
It's
just...I never felt "comfortable" all weekend....and rode relatively
conservatably..just so I could stuff some more points into the bag!
The other thing that happened....was Pembrey highlighted one of the
points I hadn't yet fully explored with the Teeza!
Suspension!
The
track was definitely a lot bumpier than I remembered from last
year...but, we'd totally changed the suspension from the original Sir
Neil Ronketti Fast Hamster creation...and the whole set up was alot
firmer.
I just thought I needed to get used to it at Pembers!
SO!
We'd
been scrooted...done practice...Small Paul had had his cuppa and bacon
sarnie....the weather station was predicting sunny wevver....(Friday's
test day had been under monsoon conditions,apparently,in the
morn!...but dried up later)...and it was time to await the first race
of the weekend.
Matt Moore had arrived sometime in the night...and had set up his shite
directly next to us.
His
fan belt had gone on the way down.....and he had put on an emergency
one...that looked like a fetishists support stocking...that didn't
stretch around the alternator or servo pump!...so he drove in with just
battery power...and no brakes!
Still...his wallpaper paste table was a good place to put the weather
station on....and we sat opposite each other making faces!
PC
Griggs was sitting in his lounge room, a few hovels down, puffing on a
fag....Streaky Bacon was still polishing bits of his bike...after he'd
crashed it on the test day...due to the throttle sticking open on one
of the fast bits!!! 
...and Pete La
Fish was hanging his leathers up...just to show people he'd remembered
them....this time!
I
always get gloriously nervous before a race....it kicks in big time two
or three races before ours..when I hear Bernies voice state..."Race
2...Supersport 400's...you have TWO MINUTES to get to the collecting
area...NOW!"
I used to hate getting nervous....and I can't
really say I actually ENJOY it now!....but...I have learnt that...the
nervous feeling turns into adrenalin...normally when we take up our
grid positions for the warm up lap.
I've learnt to get worried now...if I'm NOT nervous!
Then...it's time for a red bull!
That makes me REALLY nervous!!!!
OK!
All
the hoo hah....all the hours working to pay for it all...all the hours
driving....ALL the tears and sweat...were finally at and end!
All I had to do now...was to go out for the 10 minutes of
glory!!....wot is yer bike racing!!!!
You'll
have to forgive me if I get confused about what happened in what
race...'cos a LOT does!...and I sometimes can't remember where it
happened!...with who!!...and when!!!
First race.
Front row is...The Minkey Lad Hallet. Daz Mowat. John Puk.
I'm
gridded in position 5 on the second row...'cos the Italian Stallion
Ballerina bloke has snatched me front row 4th position from me...by his
ridiculous record breaking Croix riding techniques!!
Pete La Fish is alongside me. Andy Ball ain't racing this
weekend...so,Gary Fry is next up..with Tyler Bacon and Dan the Man.
Pos 5 is ok!...'cos I don't have to strain me arthritic neck up so much
to see the lights going out!
And they do!!!!
And...we're off!!!!
Now....a
bit like Croix....Pembrey has this fairly long and frantically fast
blast...down to a tight, bottleneck righthander!....with all the
chances of mayhem happening...as peeps telescope together under braking!
I normally get pretty good starts nowadays!! 
....but so does
every other Mothers son it seems now!!!
Out of all corners of me eyes I can see bikes EVERYWHERE!
But...probably
due to the fact I ride on the Sarf Circular to work everyday...and have
a lot of practice in stuffing it up the inside of Ford Sierras around
Clapham Common...while others are braking...I'm still accelerating!!
Or....maybe my reactions are slower!
Anyway!
I seemed to emerge in 3rd...behind the Ballerina...and the Minkey
Lad..or...thereabouts!
There follows the inevitable squabbles and argy bargy....and some sort
of order seems to emerge!
Rik
is up front and storming away!...with Dave Hallett...remember?..with NO
knowledge of the circuit!...hanging onto his coat tails!
I
honestly can't remember how,or where they passed me!...but, Streaky and
Daz go thru..and are off up the road like their arses are on fire!
OK....just stay calm!....ride the track...and enjoy!...I mutter to
meself!
Streaky and Daz are still within vision...and I'm just trying to keep
the plot on the tarmac.
Then....I hear the distinctive boom of John P's LC behind me lugholes!
Bloomin 'eck!
For
a lap or so...I only hear him...but then, along he comes past me into
the fast right hander before the start/finish straight!
I manage to stay in his slipstream...and do him on the brakes into the
tight right hander at the bottom of the straight!
Memories of Croix come back!...where John and I traded places with each
other three times a lap...before I beat him!!!
Ermmm...history was NOT gonna repeat itself!
John,with
his normal immaculate riding...and with the more flowing corners of
Pembrey..managed to eek out an advantage from me...and held it till the
end!
Rik stormed home the winner...by 19 seconds!!!...over Dave
the Minkey, a pretty darn good ride for his first race EVER here...with
Tyler a splendid third...a mere 0.1 secs behind Minkey...Daz a few
seconds behind Streaky...John,half a second behind Daz ...and little
'ol me,a half second behind John.
La Fish was a couple of seconds down on me...and..a certain Mr.
HOOWWWLLLL snapping at the Fish's tail!!!
More of Mr.D.HOWL later!
Never
looking over my shoulder nowadays..I was unaware of what was happening
behind me...I was only concerned with what was in front!
I was
pretty pleased with a 6th...considering my state of tiredness and world
weariness on Friday...and had most of the chaps ahead within strikiing
distance,I thought!...and,when I was more comfortable with the
liberties I could take with the circuit...thought I could only but
improve!
Rik's pace was blistering....and...ANOTHER lap record was his!...with a
1:06.170!!
The next fastest was Tyler...with a 1:08.078...nearly TWO seconds down
on Riks!
From second to eighth were in the 1:08's.....so, it was all pretty
close stuff with the "also rans"!!
Bizarrely....my
time of 1:08.383...was the fastest I would do the entire
weekend!.....even tho' I had been aware of a "problem" with
myself!....or,was it the bike?
These...and other mysteries of the Man who could be Bananas....will be
revealed in the following chapter of...
"The Colonel and His Quest for Some Sort of Psychiatric Help".
Stay tooned,dear reader.
I'll be back!
Kernel
Thanks,chaps!
Here is the next chapter of the Colonels capers....a body of work..that
defies all the laws of nature....
The race report is another matter!
Any characters mentioned in this report...are totally REAL!
OK.
Small Chap and I...always do a sort of "de-brief" of the race
situation...as soon as poss after it's happened!
I
guess like the rest of us,after a race....I tend to babble away with
adrenalin!....whooping and gesticulating...sucking in me teeth...(not
false,by the way!)...about the acts of heroism I have just
performed....and seen unfold in front of me!....and Paul looks at
me...just like a Mother would do to her pre-pubescent child....and,
finally asks me how the bike went!!
Little Lin gives me a hug
and a kiss...presses fresh fruit in me hand!....makes sure I'm
hydrated...as opposed to hyper-ventilating!....and...I wander off for a
piss taking session with the other YPM warriors!
First off is a visit to the Fish....it's become a bit of a tradition
with us two now....
Whoever finishes in front of who...(it was my turn to finish in front
of him!)....says to the other..."You were riding well!"
So...I say the words to him!....and he gives me that crazy,lazy smile
of his...bit like a melon split open with a shovel 
.....and all is
well with the world!
Much
banter with the other chaps....more bonding stuff...involving more
exchange of parts that have failed....or about to fail on
bikes...but,thankfully....NO exchange of bodily fluids!!
WE love each other dearly....but don't want to shag!!
Meanwhile...the racing is carrying on around us....and it's soon gonna
be part two of the Saturday capers!
When
you are out in one of the first four races of a meeting...depending on
stoppages..there is a pretty good chance that you might get yer second
race in...before the lunch break is called.....normally around 1 o
'clock.
The Supersport 400's were two races ahead of us....and I
try and watch me old mucker,Phil "Perilous" Polden strut his
stuff...and it was getting close for his second race....when...lunch is
called.
It's quite odd..this racing buffoonery....what it does to peeps!
Perilous,for
instance....always seems to be the same person...whether he's just
going out for a race....crossing the Channel to Croix on a
ferry...talking about his Welding/Fabrication business...or having a
drink in the bar!
Namely....he hops from one leg to the
other...talking like a Gattling gun....gurning his face off!!..and
shrieking strange strangulated vowels from his gob!!
After a race....it is all like it is fast forward on a video!
Myself...on the other hand...am a calm soul.
But...I
need me preparation....and take a close account of whats happening
before we go out...need me time to chill...go over the circuit in my
mind....visualisation and all that!....
The worst time is....being the first race out,after lunch,to my mind!
We're normally informed by the dulcet tones of Bernie...that we need to
be in the Collecting area by...such and such time.
Inevitably....the
call comes a bit earlier than that....and,even if we're not the first
race out...I panic for the people who are!!!
I guess I'm sensitive....or,is that neurotic??
ANYWAYS!
The lunch break gave Small Paul time to grill me some more about the
first race.
As
I pondered the situation...I gradually became aware of how I felt going
thru the long lefthander!..the part of the circuit that I felt least
comfortable.
Thinking about it now ...without the heat of the battle before
me!...the bike had been trying to run me off the circuit!!!
The bumpy nature of the track there,had made me a bit cautious about
opening the throttle!
Now...I guess this is the difference between me...and a top rider!
I was still undecided in my mind about what was happening!
Was it the front I was not happy with?...or the rear??
Was it tyre pressures?...or...suspension?
In
the end.....because I couldn't make up my mind WHAT was
happening!!....Paul and I decided to keep things the same...and let me
figure it out in the next race!!...'cos the result hadn't been bad in
the first!!!!
It was soon that time again!.....and,I joined the rest of the chaps in
the Collecting Area.
The weather was still holding up...warmish and dry...with a threat of
some rain....but,none appearing.
Warm up lap undertaken...and it's a return to the grid for the real
McCoy!
We were gridded on the result of the first race...so,I was now in the
middle of the track in 6th...on the second row!
Even MORE of a good view of the lights!!
And....we're off again!!
From
what I can remember...it's a very similar occurance to the first
one!!....with the exception that Daz...takes me round the outside of
the nadgery tight righthander at the bottom of the start straight!
He's bloomin' awesome the way he overtakes!
He
never ACTUALLY touches you...but,he passes SO close...you can feel the
loose strands of hair from his Alice Band whipping yer leathers as he
passes by!!!!
Rik,Minkey Dave and Streaky are soon off up the front and pulling a
way...with Daz in hot pursuit!
I'm
loitering around behind them...until,first Pete La Fish...and then John
P. come past me at some point!...think Pete got past at the Old
Hairpin...and John (again!) on the fast corner before the start/finish
straight!
This time...I've got no answer to either Pete or John...and they both
have an excellent race!
What DOES get into me head!...is what the bike is doing thru the long
lefthander!
It's DEFINITELY trying to kill me!!!
The front feels like it's got NO suspension whatsoever!
The
front tyre is just "chopping" over the bumps...and I'm running wider
and wider on the exit...and keep heading for the shrubbery!!
Pete La Fish and I,have a long standing joke about our riding styles.
I
commented to Pete...while looking at a picture of us both last
year...that showed Pete sitting up on his bike while going thru a
corner...whereas,I was hunched down,right behind the screen of my bike.
"Ahh,Kernel! That's because I'm not a natural racer,me! Unlike
yerself!"...he had told me!!!
Well!
I was not feeling very natural at all,going thru the Pembers left
hander!
I was keeping Pete and John in sight..but,I felt like I was gonna crash
any second!
In
fact....I started to use some front brake while going into the last
segment of the lefthander....that made the chopping situation WORSE!
Now!...a NATURAL racer, would have figured out that this was the wrong
thing to do!
Not me!
I continued to do it...or just shut the throttle off...and pray!
I kind of gave up on the race...and just waited for the chequered flag
to come out!....actually...I PRAYED for the race to end!!
I returned to the YPM ghetto,feeling very deflated!
Small Chap and Lin were delghted for me again!...'cos I bagged another
6th!
Errr? How'd that happen!?
It all felt so slow...and AWKWARD!
Admidst all my personal concern with me handling..I had failed to
see....Daz failing to finish!!
His
gearbox sprocket had come off on the 5th lap...and had wrecked the
gearbox seal...and other stuff....and he was well gutted...
The reasons for that..are in another thread on this forum...started by
Daz!
After
the race....a Fosters was my immediate priority!...along with a hug
from Lin!!....and ,it was into post mass debate again with the chaps on
the days events!
Matt Gray had failed to finish in both races....and..I never learnt
why!!....Matt?...where are you?
He'd
been into our awning on the Friday night ..and had told us of more
happenings with his mad Pug car..trailer situations and
wotnot...but....never saw him again over the weekend!
Dan Wright was getting on the pace...and had finished pretty close on
me heels in the second race....but!
I had another bone to pick with him!
It
was reported that he had been sporting me Val Doonican jumper...(while
wearing a white plastic cowboy hat!)...at the Croix party gig...and,I
demanded to know where it was now!
He denied all knowledge of it!...and I said that there was photographic
evidence!!
He fluffed and bumbled in his Yorkshire accent...and went off in a huff!
Later on...after dark...Pete La Fish sidled up to me...and said that HE
had my jumper!
I
took it back to me massif..to put it on later as the evenings chill
began to bite...and discovered that the neck had been sown up!!
What an outrage!!!
Whatever!
Before all this buffoonery took place...Small Chap and I discussed the
probs with me front end.
Rik joined us later....and together, we rummaged around the problem.
Checking the lap times..I was nearly a second slower in the 2nd
race,than in the first.
I
gradually learnt that...the forks were way to stiffly sprung for the
circuit...and my attempts at overcoming the problem were making it
worse!
I can't possibly go into the details of what I should of
been doing....trade secrets and all that!....but...it was pretty
obvious really!
A different spring set up..and a different
riding style were gonna be adopted for the Sunday races!...but,as
previously stated...I'd already set my fastest lap time of the
weekend,in the first Sat race!!
It's all in the head,see?
Funny old game,innit?
Anyway!
The Saturday evening wound on...with a visit to the Pembrey bar to see
the trophy winners get their pots!
Streaky had a SPECIAL surprise in store for him!...apart from
collecting his two splendidly achieved 3rd pace pots!
Y'see..it was gonna be his 30th birthday Sunday...and he didn't want
anyone to know!
Daz
had organised us all to sing Happy Birthday to you...when he went up
for his pots...and it was reprised again!...when he was awarded the
Alan Russell YPM Rookie of the Day pot as well!
Streaky was well embarrassed!
More beer,banter and bullshit was consumed and given over the
evening...and....I don't remember a lot more!
Bed was beckoning..'cos tomorrow..was another day!
There will be more,from the Diary of a Colonic Racer...in the following
day or two!....maybe!
OK, SQUAAAAD!
Dismissed!
The Colonel has spoken!
P.S.
Forgot to mention!....
Rik improved on his lap record...and did a stunning 1:06.114!!!...was
he gonna get into the 1:05's on Sunday!!??
Minkey Lad and Tyler dipped into the 1:07's!!
And...I dropped into the 1:09's.......
Dan
Wright not Val Doonican...was getting used to the circuit..and was
posting consistent 1:08's..followed by the ever improving Douglas
Howwwllllin Wolfman....with the evergreen,lardy Fatrangi hot on his
heels!
What on earth would the morrow bring?
Stay tooned!
Ahh
HAAA!
Some of you ARE still awake...and sane!...after reading me ramblings!!
It's a miracle!
PC Griggs makes an interesting point!
Again....I have to bring the Perilous Polden...(diesel runner and
gurner extraodinaire) back into the topic!
For...I
think it was him..who once said to me something along the lines
of...."It's amazing how we can race for 10 minutes...then spend HOURS
talking about it afterwards!"
And....along similar lines....but,slightly different.....
I
remember talking to the Ballerina Geeza....(actually,it was at last
years Pembers performance,when he was racing his 250 GP machine)...that
Rik mused to me....
"Y'know....we pay all these entry fees...for
10 minutes track racing time...and ...the whole object of the thing
is....to go as fast as we can.....which means that....we get even LESS
track time for our money!!"
OH...I just love LOVE the thinking of certain nutters!
Anyway!
This....maybe....the
last installments of the Pembrey Tea Zed Ahhhh capers....from a Colonic
person of uncertain mental state.....possibly....
Where was I?
Ahh...yes!
The Saturday buffoonery had run it's course...and....it was time for
the Sunday events to unfold!
Weather wise...Sunday dawned as dry as a Welsh day could!
Not a cloud in the sky!.....but, our weaher stations batteries had gone
awol...so,we couldn't tell what we could expect!
Small
Paul had to resort to his nose.....and a couple of fingers in the
air!......the well known racing greeting of, "Good morning"!
As
said in me last episode....the front end of the Yamanana had been
softened up...in enable to give me a bit more "feel" with wot the front
end was doing!....and.....a Practice Pass was obtained....to give me
some idea as to what the plot felt like.
The Sundays races were
all kicking off a lot earlier than Sat's....and practice was out at
around 9...so,with a minimum of personal hygene solutions...(no
SSSS....that's...shit,shower,shave,shampoo) ...achieved....I got me
ancient hide on board for the session.
The bike felt very much
more "relaxed" over the bumpy bits of Pembers....and, I felt a lot more
comfortable about the days events!
We only had three laps of
practice....so...I had got the tyres as hot as poss in the
warmers....and,with me head thing on...I just nailed it from the
beginning of the sesh.
The ever-Liverpudlian Fishy bloke was up
for a bit of fun!....so,he stuffed me up the inside,misses!....going
into the first hairpin!!!
"I'm having none of THAT!"...I grinned to meself....and promptly
stuffed it somewhere else to him!
At the end of the session,Fish waddled up to me and said..."Eh? EH?
Kernel. It wasn't a race,y'know!?"
Yeah? Fish chops?
Since
Pete is not taking this years racing TOO seriously!...(it's his year of
RELAXED racing,apparently!!)....he's obviously resorted to more
intelligent trickosological tactics!
Anyway...I still had the
hump with him for getting his Shaz...AND my Lin!...to sow up the neck
of me favourite Val Doonican jumper!!
I was gonna beat him in practice NO MATTER WHAT!!!!
I returned to Camp Banana with a satisfied smirk on me chops!
A
quick fettle of battery and tyres...a bit of yoghurt...a quick
counselling session with the Small Git and a stroke and hug from
Lin...and...I awaited the call from the Bernadette for the first race!
In the meantime...trouble was breaking out at the Daz camp!
Because
of his disaster in the last Sat race...he was gonna have to go out on
the borrowed Bally bike....known as "The Prostitute".
She lets anyone ride her...but,tries to get them off pretty quick...by
bouncing around too much!
Daz's normally jovial...but focused mush...was looking quite tense!
"He's a better man than me!"...I mused to meself.
OK!
The race line up for the first Sunday race was...
Rik Dik Ulously fast on pole postion.
Minkey Lad next...still doing splendidly in defending his Championship
position on his first visit here!
Streaky Tyler Bacon...who is one of THE "finds" of this season,to my
mind.
Pete
Scouser Fishface...who had decided to get a 4th in the last Sat
race...'cos he can't actually bear me finishing ahead of him..'cos he
can't stand the fact I'm more handsome than him.....
Second row was....
John Puk...the smiling and charming Peterborough Pit Bull Terrier.
Myself....the debonair Fruit with Attitude...
Dan Dare Wright....the Yorkshire git...with too many teeth in his
head...and a gob to match!....
And....Doug HOWWLLLLL!!!
What the #### is HE doing there!!
Keith
Rotiserie....Gary Fry...Kevin Marshall and Nick,the Longer and
Shiterhouse were next up....and ...because of my prescription
glasses...I couldn't squint me eyes up any more!
Incidently...later
on Saturday night..I had had a discussion with a couple of chaps....and
we decided that we can actually open up a YPM restaurant...judging by
the names of people in the series.
There's yer FISH.....who
could be caught by that method where people stick there hands in the
water...let them float by yer hands and then...Graham TICKLE's.... them
out of the water.
Then....Gary can FRY them....with a bit of Tyler BACON.....on Keith's
ROTISERIE.
If we were in France...Caleb FOX would be the main course.
Me...as a Banana...could be for desert!
In fact....I think we should all change our surnames...so we can be a
complete feast!
But!.....I digest!!...sorry! ....digress!!
We was all lined up again for the first Sunday race!
Again....very much like the starts of the Sat races!.....we all plunged
down to the nadgery first corner as one!!
However...I didn't get such a good start this time...and there were
LOADS of people around!
But!....I spied a little gap on the inside...as we were all breaking
for the corner!
I just let off the brakes a tad....steered towards the gap...and
applied the brakes again!!
Blow me!....if it didn't put me into second!!
I'd
been a bit apprehensive about our suspension change...making it
softer...and had wondered how the bike would feel under severe
braking...which can NEVER really be simulated accept under racing
conditions...'cos adrenalin and the cut and thrust of actual racing
makes you do things slightly more extreme than practicing.
In
the original manifestation of the my bike...when braking
extremely...the back wheel had come off the deck...and had tried to
pivot me round the headstock....but!...despite the softer
suspension....the bike felt great!!
Sorted!
Into the first corner in second!!
However!....because
of my extreme entry angle!....I'd baulked all the peeps I'd
overtaken!....and they had to stack up behind me!....while Rik...who
had taken his swoopy line into the corner...was ahead and up and
running away already!
I think that Tyler was a victim of me
manouver!...speaking with him later!....'cos I'd stuffed it up the
inside of him...and he'd had to get on the gas hard to get his momentum
back...and he high sided himself out of the race straight away!!
I was unaware of this!...'cos I had me eyes focused on the Ballerina
ahead!
Again....you'll
have to excuse me for lack of remembrance about what happened in the
race!....'cos there is no real time for respite...!
Despite
feeling A LOT more comfortable riding the bike through the bumpy
lefthander....Dave the Minkey Hallett....Pete La Fish AND John
P.....all got past me at various stages of the race!!...and roared off
into the distance!
I could keep them all in sight....except for Rik!!...and could see a
right ding dong unfolding ahead!
Minkey
Lad was in second ...but was being rapidly caught by Fish...who'd had a
bit of a tussle with John initially...but,Pete was riding out of his
socks!.....and had the big carrot of seeing Minkey Lad ahead of him!
I
reckon....another lap...and Pete would have been past Dave .....and I
have to say....Pete Fish's fastest lap of a 1:07.156 was bloomin'
marvellous!
I know he was minted speaking to him after the race!
I tell you!
Racing IS really 90% in the head stuff!
If you THINK you can do it...chances are you WILL!
It's
obviously NOT as easy as that!...you have to learn your craft,like any
other...learn when to be hot...and when to not...understand when to
play the percentage game...learn about when you "feel"
right....and,mainly ...learn to understand what you and your bike can
do.....and learn to be able to get the best performance from both...at
the right time!!
Even tho I felt much more comfortable on my
bike...and I got a 5th in that race...my actual fastest lap time was
1:08.961...over half a second slower than I did in the first race on
Saturday....when I felt uncomfortable!!!
But...there are lies,#### lies...then...statistics...as the famous
saying goes!!
I bang on about lap times...but..to my mind...the most important time
in a race...is the overall race time.
Riks overall race times over the weekend were...
Sat 1st race...8:57.609
Sat 2nd race..8.58.887
Sun 1st race..9:01.400
Sun 2nd race..9:00.139
My times were...
Sat 1st race...9:19.886
Sat 2nd race..9:22.363
Sun 1st race..9:18.573
Sun 2nd race.9:18.161
I've been a premature here!
I've given the race times of the second Sunday race...without
describing it yet!
But...I wanted to illustrate two things!
Firstly...although
lap times are of important significance...it's actually more important
to string together consistent lap times!
Even though I posted my
fastest individual lap time on in the first Sat race...I posted my
fastest RACE time in the last race on Sunday....where I was getting on
for half a second a lap SLOWER on any individual lap!
This may
appear to be anorak,boring bollox!......but,I think these are the kinds
of things you have to look at to understand more of what you are doing
in a race...and gives more of an illustration as to your "pace" overall.
Having said all that!....the second Sunday race...turned out to be a
corker!
Daz
Mowat had...heroically..in a lot of peeps mind!....brought the borrowed
bouncing Bally bike home in a very creditable 11th in the previous
one,from the back of the grid....despite never having ridden the beast
before...and..during the lunch break....all #### was breaking loose in
the Mowat camp!!...as engines,bikes,bodies and blasphemes were being
executed!...as the YPM guru was trying to mate his spare engine
into...something or other!!...I think!!!!
Fish was walking
around like a stunned mullet!...completely in awe at his own pace in
the first race!!...and muttering something about taking this racing
stuff seriously again!!!...
Streaky was polishing more bits of
his bike...after his bin...and being his normal cool self....the geeza
is gonna go far!...you mark my words!
Myself?
I was busy getting a Red Bull down me neck!
Jeez!
I was knackered!!
Can say this now...so peeps won't take advantage of me!
When you get to my age........etcetera...etcetera...AGAIN!
I was just thinking of the journey home!!
NOT ANOTHER 7 and a half hours on motorways! PLEASE!!
Lin
and I had decided to start packing some stuff away before the second
Sunday race...just to ease the process of the horrible act of
de-camping after a race meet...the WORST time I feel!....'cos it's all
coming to an end....and...it's back to the "normal" life of work
and.....all the other malarkey that we have to do to get that wannabe
Grand Pricks racer feel!
Anyway!
Yes! Dear Reader!!
The marathon race report is grinding it's way to a conclusion!
Not long to go now!
I'll try and keep this concise.....and...if by any chance it doesn't
finish.....When you get to my age......
Bollox!
The second Sunday race actually turned out to be a
corker!....well!...for some!
Can't be arsed to give the grid postions...oh...alright then!
Front row.
Rik,Minkey Chops,La Fish de Pete,John P.
Second row.
Moi,Dan the Jumper Thief,Doug HOWWLLL!!??,Gary Fry the Fish.
Third row.
Keith Roissetttttterrrrrr,Nick Shitehouse,Daz Mowat and Steve
Hoel..(who is a lovely bloke TOO!)
The start ...AGAIN...was of a similar nature as all before!
Bikes,bodies,banging and argy bargy!
This
time....yours truly just got thru the corner with the rest of 'em...and
didn't pull any spectacular heroic outbraking moves!!!
Think I was fourth or fifth!...but..as the race went on!...all kinds of
stuff started happening!
Rik....gawd this is getting boring!!!...was off up the front and
smokin' the tarmac!.....and Minkey lad in hot pursuit!
However!!
At the start of lap two...the Minkey Boy binned it going into the
nadgery right turn at the bottom of the start/finish straight!
He seemed to lose the front end tipping into the corner...but was up on
his feet pretty sharpish...to avoid all us coming thru!!
There then followed a number of things that I still have nightmares
about!
I think the first...was Tyler coming past me!!
WHAT!?
He started from the back!!!!
The
next...was that Yorkshire jumper -stealing twat, Dan Wrong not
Wright...getting a blinder thru somewhere...and going past me!
THEN....Mr.Mowat appears and stuffs me up!
WHAT!?
He's on a hybrid Bally/Spare engine basid!...and has NO right to be
doing that!
THEN!!!!!.....this
bike comes past into the lefthander..and I think it's Gary Fry...("He's
on the case now!"..I seethe to meself!)
Hang on!...That's not Gary!
It's...IT'S....NO!....It CAN'T BE!!!!
IT'S...bloomin' Mr. HOWWWLLLL!!!!!!!
He's on a bloomin' mission!
Bear
in mind please,dear reader....that this is all happening while John
P.,Fishy,Tyler,me,Dan Wrong,Dougie HOWWLL,Keith Rotiserie are all in
close proximity!
Just after Mr.HOWWLLLL. scythes past
me....something falls off John Puk's personage...(turns out to be his
knee slider!)...and Doug runs over the thing...and starts exiting stage
right!...just as we're all cranking over into to long lefthander!!!
Ooops!
Doug did go into grass tracking mode...and recovered to finish 9th
still!....but!!!.....there was NO time for sentiment!
This was a SERIOUS race!
The track just seemed to be full of peeps throughout the entire race!
I
managed to get back past the Man who would be Dan....when he made a
whoopsie going into the nadgery corner at the end of the start/finish
straight...and then tryed to make out that he was still in
control!!....but!!!.....the battle was hot!....the perspiration was
pissing!...the Daz was showing his wheel all over the place!!
I
remember one lap..when we were all hammering down the back straight
bit...just before the flat out kink...and...the track was so full of
bikes...I couldn't see where I should turn to take the kink!
I turned too soon...and saw I was gonna run off the inside of the track!
I just managed to clip the grass on the inside kerb...and held me
breath!
Phew!
It was madness!...but....very enjoyable madness!!
At the end of it all....Rik won by 15 seconds!...the man is touched by
stardust!!
John
Puk came 2nd...hotly persued by Fish...who had seperated themselves
from "us" lot..and the two of them had their own stonking race judging
by the lap times!....then...us bunch came thru...with Tyler having
pulled a bit from me...Daz right up me chuff,Dan up Daz's!...and Keith
following thru!....probably in the trouser department!
The recovered Mr.HOWWLL was next up...followed by The Shitehouse and
Gary Fry sniffing up his jacksie!
It was a ridiculous race!!!
Can't think of a moment when I had any time to breathe!
In fact....I suddenly remembered that I should have been..going down
the start/finish straight!
I let out a BIG breath....as well as out me backside!...and...promptly
steamed me visor up!!
There
are many times that you have a "good" race...and, it doesn't have to be
rewarded with a trophy or owt...and I count that one as seriously
memorable!
The bald fact that I had to do me fastest overall
race time of the weekend...is secondary to the enjoyment of having such
a cracking dice with peeps!
Top stuff lads!
I've peaked now!
The last can of Fosterers has been drunk!
The
Small Chap and I...well....mainly Paul...has put new pistonies in the
Yamanana....and...we're all ready to have a bit of Brands Grand Pricks
malarkey!!!
Are you game?
This has been an Official Colonic Statement of YPM Buffoonery.
I
am forever indebted to you mad folk...(along with my bank
balance!!!)...for making this years racing,the best I can
remember....and..even tho' I'm not as young as you lot......I really
think you should be going CONSIDERABLY faster than me by now!!!
Also.....
I'm thinking of getting a spare Val Doonican jumper....so Dan Wright
can pretend to be like me off circuit...as well as on!!
Goodnight!
The Colonel has become a has been.